This week, Candy and Alyssa both mixed things up in Body Pump and RIPPED and threw in some new tracks to their playlists. Or… maybe they were only new to me? There’s also this thing where Body Pump and RIPPED are actual, branded programs, and they come out with new seasons, and the long-time participants will say things like, “Oh, that’s from Body Pump 79! Love Body Pump 79!” or “Fuck Body Pump 81! That one is dead to me!” (Edited for clarity.)
Candy had us doing bicep curls to “Eye of the Tiger.” Yes, for real. That happened. I pretty much fucking hate bicep curls, so in my mind, I went full-on drama with it. There’s kind of no more dramatic workout song, amirite?
Candy also provided us with a techno version of “Smells Like Teen Spirit.” I wonder if Kurt Cobain ever imagined a classroom full of women pumping their bodies to his hard-earned grunge jam, the grunge replaced with a techno beat. I kind of doubt it. Maybe things like this exist to help him finish his purgatory. You’re welcome, Kurt Cobain. Offer it up.
Alyssa’s newest offering included a song called “I’m Still Hot” by someone named Luciana. This was not at all familiar to me. I don’t know anything about that crazy rock ‘n roll stuff you kids listen to these days.
Alyssa made us shout “I’m still hot” while we did kicky, punchy things. She told us that Betty White sings this song, and if Betty White can sing it, then so can we.
I mean, Betty White is pretty boss. There’s no denying she’s a role model for us all. I Googled her version of “I’m Still Hot” and learned that I should be sure to sign up for life insurance or some shit when I’m old, because it will make me be able to breakdance. I also learned that muscular dudes like cheesecake when they are shirtless.
My kids also loved Betty White’s video. My seven-year-old daughter wanted to know why, in the scene with the shirtless muscle guys and the cheesecake, Betty White has a large snake wrapped around her shoulders. So of course, I responded in the only way one can to that kind of question coming from a seven-year-old: “Well, honey, the snake is generally accepted as a phallic symbol, which also equates sexuality with the fall of Man. The snake’s close contact with the singer’s body is intended to cultivate an image of brazenness while at the same time generating a sexualized impulse toward and projected from the woman. The audience is intended to feel attracted to the scene concocted by this pairing of woman and snake, at a Freudian level, and perhaps in the case of Betty White, an Oedipal level, which some would say is the byproduct of concupiscence.”
Just playin’. I think I told her it’s just funny.
RIPPED on Wednesday was very jumpy, punchy, and kicky. I’m pretty sure I peed myself a little while jumping. There were many, many jumps. Note to self: pelvic floor still has a little ways to go. But I bet Betty White pees herself, too, so I ain’t ashamed.
My punches are starting to look more respectable, I think. My kicks still make me look like a three-legged dog trying to run up a hill duing a mudslide, but whatevs.
Last night for the first time, I went to Kickboxing with Billy. It was decent, but definitely not as intense as the other classes. It was most certainly not a branded program. There were not songs by pop stars, either aged or semi-current. But there was a lot of kicking and punching. I decided I was practicing my kicks and punches for RIPPED.
Side note: fitness instructors seem to like to tell you to “hit him” and “kick him” when you are doing kicky, punchy things. In an effort to avoid thinking too much about exacting violence on anyone I might actually feel inclined to clobber in real life, I often imagine I’m fighting this guy:
He’s the iconic easy-to-beat guy, so I figure I could TKO him even with my crapass punches and kicks.
I gave in and started doing some ab work at kickboxing. I left out the full-on sit ups, but I did some light crunches, some planks, and some other crazy ab shit. I’m scared I’ll eff up my abs on account of my diastasis, but on the other hand, I just want to see results. So… we’ll see what happens.
Billy, incidentally, was pretty funny. He says “uh huh” and “mm hmm” and “I like that one” a lot. And he has really nice arms that got really sweaty. I kind of have a thing for arms.
I purchased some new workout clothes before kickboxing on Thursday because I hadn’t done laundry, and even the shorts I wore on days I don’t think I peed a little were pretty ripe. So back to my beloved Target I went, and I bought a pair of shorts one size smaller than the others I have, and they fit just fine! I bought a top in my usual size, and it’s a little big! And my fat pants for work are feeling pretty loose! What fun!
I also noticed that workout clothes will often have a “hidden pocket” somewhere, often in some weird place like on the back. I don’t really understand the point of this. First of all, why is it hidden? Is pickpocketing a rampant problem in America’s gyms these days? Second, why is the pocket in the back? If you’re supposed to put your keys in there or something, the second you lie down–as you very often do at the gym, lest anyone believe that exercise is all done standing up–you’re going to lie on your keys. That sounds pretty damn uncomfortable.
I have a good idea for where they could put a pocket for your keys: on the side. Like every other article of clothing. Fucking gym clothes. Trying to be so special.
So I got in my four days this week. Maybe I’ll go Saturday; maybe I won’t. Kind of thinking I won’t. But you never know, bitches. You never know.
Gym Week Five, Days Three and Four
- Least favorite part: having the bladder and pelvic floor of Betty White.
- Favorite part: this:
I Went to the Fucking Gym Today 